David Whitley gets a glimpse of authentic Maori culture on New Zealand’s East Cape.

 
Authenticity can be something of a double-edged sword. And this is particularly the case when it comes to understanding Maori culture in New Zealand.  To many visitors, this is a case of going to Rotorua, going through greeting rituals and having a meal as Maori in traditional costumes dance.

And if you like that sort of thing, then go for it. But such cultural villages generally make me want to cry. It’s a different story on the North Island’s East Cape. This is arguably the most Maori part of New Zealand. Over 50% of the population in this part of the world identify themselves as Maori, and the old ways are still strong. Outside the main city of Gisborne, settlements are small and  rural. There’s an end of the world feeling to East Cape, but if you take the time to detour out there you’re more likely to get an ‘authentic’ Maori experience than you will do anywhere else in New Zealand. The flip side is that this authenticity comes with baggage.

David Whitley searches for respite in a world of fancy dress, bad music played loud and people who like to ‘party’.

There is a girl I used to work with who now appears to live in Laos. I know this, because pictures of her regularly appear on Facebook, and she seems to be continually be surrounded by young people having fun in a bar. You may be tempted to think that this seems like the ultimate life; ensconced in Vang Vieng, where life is a constant party and everyone’s up for a good time after going rafting. To me, it sounds like hell.

David Whitley prays for the silence about the lambs, but begins to understand where the Kiwi sheep obsession comes from.

For some years now, New Zealanders have tried to dispel the notion that they have a penchant for sheep that extends beyond a nice roast lamb dinner.

Unfortunately, it seems as though they forgot to tell the tour guides. Put a Kiwi behind the wheel of a bus and the obsession takes over.

David Whitley limbers up for another of New Zealand’s unique adventures – climbing the world’s steepest street in Dunedin.

I’m approximately two-thirds of the way up, when a horrific thought strikes me. Imagine actually living here, and not having a car? The buses only go past the bottom end of the street, and having to surmount Mt Baldwin every day would probably send you into nervous breakdown territory.

Baldwin Street isn’t really a mountain, although crampons and an ice axe probably wouldn’t go amiss in the depths of winter. Amongst New Zealand’s cavalcade of adventure sports, getting to the top of this suburban street doesn’t exactly rank high on the scale, but it has become one of Dunedin’s most popular tourist attr

If you believe the hype, Milford Sound is a must-see in all weathers. But David Whitley discovers the truth.

Weather, even though we’d sometimes like to pretend otherwise, can make a big difference. No-one wants to lie on the world’s most beautiful beach when gloves and a hat are more appropriate than swimming trunks and an ice cream. Similarly, skiing is a bit rubbish when there’s no snow and going for a scenic walk in the lashing rain is bloody horrible.

David Whitley is besieged by albatrosses and discovers that a sea lion resurgence is bad news for the Otago Peninsula’s yellow-eyed penguins.

In terms of lucking in, it doesn’t get much better than this. The sky is blue, the sun is warming to that perfect level before everything starts to get sweaty, and I am being stared at by an impressive – if slightly scary – bird.

David Whitley puts his manhood on the line to conquer nature’s own adrenalin sport – the Rere Rockslide.

It’s an unusual approach for a tour. Steve says: “I thought going for a drive would be a nice way to see the area.”

I agree wholeheartedly. But it seems as though there’s something I’ve not quite understood. It becomes clear when he hands me the keys to his car. After all, there are six of us, and it’s better to divide between two vehicles than squish into just one car.

Auckland and I have never really seen eye to eye. That’s mainly because, while I am no oil painting, Auckland’s eye is pretty darned ugly.

Even the most proud Aucklander would struggle to deny that the city centre is a hideous scar on what should be one of the most beautiful spots in the world. The city lies on an isthmus between the Pacific Ocean and Tasman Sea; it has two sprawling natural harbours, islands off the coastline and 40-odd volcanic cones dotted within its boundaries.

David Whitley plays the clown for a very special audience in New Zealand’s Bay of Islands...

As a famous fuzzy-topped German scientist would probably agree, everything is relative. It would be impossible to say a flaxen-haired, hourglass-shaped woman with angular cheek bones is beautiful if you couldn’t compare her to a dumpy, sallow-faced hag. You couldn’t claim the Taj Mahal was large and hugely grandiose without the reference point of a dingy inner-city bedsit.

Similarly, you can’t properly explain how a dolphin can be elegant and graceful without first swimming with them. The contrast is remarkable. In the deep blue waters of The Bay of Islands, the sleek, silver creatures cut through their terrain effortlessly, turning in a natural arc and leaping upward in a fluid motion.

David Whitley takes on the stunning waterways of New Zealand’s Marlborough Sounds in the most ridiculous boat imaginable.

Is it possible for a boat to be cute? If so, the plucky little tin contraption I’m charged with fits the description perfectly. Any more than two people on it would be something of a squash, and the engine is better measured in donkey power than horsepower.  It’s really the marine equivalent of a go-kart or motorised scooter, but it’s mine, and that’s all that matters. Boating for beginners it may be, but there is an enormous advantage to having your own vehicle on the Marlborough Sounds. It’s a staggeringly beautiful area in which hills and forests grope their way around the water; a series of craggy arms flailing around in a giant pool.

David Whitley takes on The Luge and The Swoop with scarcely any concern for his own personal safety...

This is a recipe for disaster. Ten testosterone-pumped all in control of pseudo Go-karts that they have only just learned the basics of controlling, about to race each other on a steep downhill race track, complete with tricky corners and everything.

We are at Skyline Skyrides in Rotorua, which ostensibly is a cable car service to the top of a hill overlooking the city. But as with most things Kiwi, they don’t do things that simply. Along with the cable car, gondola and restaurant, they have also built a ‘luge’ track. Why they’ve called it luge I don’t know – as far as I’m concerned, luging is that psychotic sport they show every four years at the Winter Olympics. This is basically downhill karting, and very good fun it is too.